Sherwood

Sherwood · Mar 2, 2019

I told my wife, "Honey, its really muggy outside."
Wife: "I swear to God, if all our mugs are out on the lawn, I'm leaving you."
Me: <sips coffee from a bowl>

Sherwood · Mar 2, 2019

I adopted a retired drug sniffing dog. I took him over to meet my parents, and he found two bags of weed that I had hid when I was in high school. Who's a good boy?!?

Sherwood · Mar 1, 2019

It took God six days to make the world, but nine months for me to be born. I must be a real big deal.

Sherwood · Mar 1, 2019

A whoopie cushion filled with gravy gives an extra dimension to a tired old pratical joke.

Sherwood · Feb 28, 2019

Earlier today, I was telling my girlfriend, "How can I trust you when you run away every time I untie you?"

Sherwood · Feb 28, 2019

If I were to live every day as if it were my last, the body count would be staggering.

Sherwood · Feb 28, 2019

If bedbugs are found on beds, whoever came up with the name cockroach?

Sherwood · Feb 28, 2019

Apparently, this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and was not wanting to play leapfrog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Sherwood · Feb 27, 2019

I am not a night owl, nor am I a early bird. I am some kind of permanently confused pidgin.

Sherwood · Feb 27, 2019

No man has ever won the game of, "Do you notice something different about me?"

Sherwood · Feb 27, 2019

Thepenisinmymouth. Did you read "The pen is in my mouth?" The hell you did, you dirty minded person!

Sherwood · Feb 27, 2019

I wonder: The guy that discovered milk. What was he trying to do?

Sherwood · Feb 27, 2019

A woman wearing a bikini exposes 90% of her body. True gentlemen look only at the covered parts.

Sherwood · Feb 26, 2019

When I was getting a prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants. "Over there, next to mine," was not the answer I was expecting.

Sherwood · Feb 26, 2019

Mamie often wondered why,
Acids trouble alkali.
One day in a manner placid,
She fed the cat boracic acid.
Whereupon the cat grew frantic,
Executing many an antic.
"Ah," cried Mamie, overjoyed.
"Kitty is an alkali!"

Sherwood · Feb 26, 2019

James, while feeling rather draper,
touched a fire to grandpa's paper.
Grandpa jumped a foot or higher,
Dropped the paper and shouted "Fire!"
"This," said James, "Confirms my notion.
That heat creates both light and motion."