Sherwood

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  • A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It's $2.50 in the Bahamas. These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
    Before your first date, don't ask for him/her to send you nude pics of themselves. Have them take a picture of their medicine cabinet so you know just how much of a crazy nutburger that person is before you go and date them and make it too late.
    I shot my first turkey today. I think it went well, but it scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.
    Daughter: Mom and dad? Can I sleep in here with you?
    Me: No, I don't want the monster to follow you into my room and kill us all. Better you than me.
    I am in love with my bed. We are perfect for each other. But my alarm clock doesn't want us together. That jealous whore.
    I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat. She says that it rings a bell, but she's not sure if she has it or not.
    When a parent tells me that their children are angels, I think to myself, "So was Lucifer."
    Peacemaker .45
    Peacemaker .45
    Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof
    My heart says chocolate and bacon, but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat a salad and exercise!
    I do crunches at least twice a day now: Captain in the morning, and later on in the afternoon Nestle. Yum.
    I was going to go jogging, but in Proverbs 28:1it says, "The wicked run when no one is chasing them." So there's that.
    Just think: If the Indians gave the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we could all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving!
    I was watching the Science Channel when they tried to tell me that photons have mass. I never knew that they are all Catholic.
    I leave my house a mess so that when my friends come over and visit, they go home feeling better about their own housekeeping skills.

    I'm just that kind of friend.
    You're welcome.
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