Journal "Life can do terrible things" ( my life )

minajesty

𝘒𝘬𝘒 π™ˆπ™„π™‰π˜Ό !
Decided to make one of these. I have a journal about finding my father and I did notice that some of my emotions weren't so overwhelming after writing them down. And most of you are great listeners, advice givers. I like the fact that I can talk to all of you and open up to people that actually care. So everyday I will try and write something here. Or when I feel overwhelmed.
 
I don't get it. I try so hard and every time it seems that I just disappoint him over and over again...

Me and my stepdad don't get along well. He's so rude and disrespectful and we just don't see eye to eye. I try really hard to get him to accept me as his daughter (not because I want him to, but I just want my mom to be happy. And right now she isn't happy because we ALWAYS fight.) I worked my ass off since elementary school, getting straight A's in every single quarter of the year. I get tons of awards. Just recently I was voted Student of the Year for my school. Im being put in AP classes in high school next year because all of my teachers and my principle recommended me into it. Hell, im already getting help to go to college in the future. AND NONE OF THIS IS APPROVING OR IMPRESSING HIM! Im 14 years old for god sakes. Half of the students at my school all care about getting into a relationship or becoming popular while I chose to be successful. But he doesn't seem to care. He focuses on the littlest things I do wrong. Like yesterday night, I showed him my report card I got (straight A's...again), and all he did was complain about how lazy I was just because I didn't make him anything to eat after work. What the hell? Can't he do it himself?! NO! He can't. Because he's just too damn lazy drinking his beers. -.-

What am I doing wrong? Its like he tries to make my life miserable. He complains about how much of a horrible daughter I am. Its too much for me! And my mom does nothing about it. It hurts. She sits there knowing how much I do in school and yet she doesn't do ANYTHING to stop him.
 
Holy crud, today was a lllooonnnnggg day -.- Ive never been more tired in my life. I had to wake up at 5! in the freakin morning and stay in a car for 2 hours just to get to the hospital. And boy, did that bring back memories. Not good ones though. Well the point of this entry, is to tell you about my friend named Anxiety Attack. Yeah, they decided to show up today. Bad timing. But here it goes.

Me and my grandma were waiting in the lobby so I could get my kidney's checked in an X-ray. And we were just talking, sometimes laughing as well at my little brothers funny antics. But I got distracted because down the hall, I seen a few nurses wheeling a hospital bed down in our direction. I expected it to be empty since they were pushing it quite fast, but I was most definitely wrong. I caught a glimpse of the bed and laying on it was a baby boy, well not a baby but you could tell that he was fairly close. I felt a tightening sensation in my jaw and I could feel that ball in the back of your throat. Ya'know? That one you feel when you are really close to crying. Well yeah that. The baby was practically surrounded in tubes, all of them somehow connected to his small body. He had a huge breathing tank next to him and his eyes looked like they were swollen shut. What triggered me the most was you could see all those I.V's they had. It hurt me. That baby was too young to have gone through that. He shouldn't have to experience that. He should be home, watching cartoons and snuggling with his parents. But he's not. He's stuck in that hospital, having to eat their horrible food everyday, and not being able to run around. I remember being through that.

Basically all of those memories swarmed me at one time. I seen myself lying in the hospital bed, strapped down and buried in plastic tubes like that baby was. I remembered my crying and whimpering noises, begging my mom to take those needles out of my arm and take me home. I was tired of all those surgeries. I refused to eat their hospital food because I wanted to go, but I didn't understand that they wouldn't let me go until I started eating. I remember screaming my lungs out every time I seen that needle coming close to me. My grandma explained to me that I would be begging them, no...demanding them to leave me alone. She said I screamed out "Get away from me!" and "Don't touch me!". They didn't like to see me struggle. I had two surgeries at the age of one. What hurt me was that my mom explained that every time we would have to go to that hospital building again (which was quite often when I was young), I would say "Jail" or "its prison". Well, yeah. Basically Mr. Anxiety decided to hit me full force.

It was hard to breathe. I felt dizzy and weak. Good thing that there was bathrooms next to where we were sitting. I just needed to calm myself down. But it was really hard since I kept seeing the image of that baby in my head. Im still thinking of him right now. Most of you will think, "you'll get over it" or "your just overreacting". But you try saying that after you see a baby in that condition. Once you get to see a baby like that and you get over it like nothing, then you can tell me all the bs you want. But that was too hard for me to see. I wanted to get out of that place.But I couldn't because the nurses hadn't called me back.When we were heading home, I put the music super loud to the point where all I could hear is the music. Every beat. Every lyric. Everything. But I couldn't stop thinking about the little boy being wheeled to whatever other surgery he might have had to be put through. And I can't help but think, that I shouldn't be complaining. Im out of the hospital. Yes, I have to go yearly for a checkup but thats nothing compared to what he might have had to go through. Jeez, he probably stays there for months or something like that.
 
wow, i'm so sorry you went through that... and no wonder you had an anxiety attack. just know that no matter how much you panicked, you're still really brave for not just running out of there and hiding.

and though i'll never see him, your description of that kid made me so sad, it's just awful and no one should have to go through that ;-;

if it makes you feel better, i was once a baby boy all covered in tubes and going for a pretty major surgery, and i'm still here and don't remember anything... if it weren't for the scar on my chest, i wouldn't have believed it happened. now obviously i don't know what was wrong with him or why he was there, but the good news is that when you're that young, you really don't remember the terrifying stuff... at least i didn't.

anyway, i wish you all the best. if you ever need to talk, you have a friend here who'll listen whenever you need. stay strong <3
 
Honestly... and I know this is probably easier said than done... you really should just STOP caring about getting this guy's approval. It's sweet that you're trying to do this for your mom's sake, but your own sanity should come first. This guy isn't WORTH trying to impress, given that he clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about you one way or the other, as sad as it is. I know I wouldn't bother trying to connect with someone like that. Just be proud of your own accomplishments and remember that you don't need his approval to succeed.
 
today isn't a good day at all. Went to the hospital and got some x-rays done. They said there was nothing in my lungs or something could potentially be fatal so thats good I guess. I got some breathing treatment done so it could clear my airways from the mucus build up. I thought everything would be okay after that. But I was completely wrong.

Once I got home, I took a nap (which is rare since I can never seem to sleep during the day), and when I woke up everything seemed to have gotten worse. I could barely move, I was stiff. I was coughing even more, which doesn't feel good by the way and all that mucus is back. Its giving me a hard time. I can't even breathe good at all. I had to use my inhaler which made it..okay I guess? I don't know but it didn't seem to work after a while. Now I can't even move by myself. I have to hold the walls of my house to keep my balance. And earlier today, my stepdad had to help me get up because I lost balance and fell. Wasn't a pleasant feeling at all. And I was embarrassed (even though my mom assured me that I shouldn't be). But all of this is taking a toll on me.

I feel like crying a lot now because I can't even do anything for myself. My mom had to open a bottle of water for me because I couldn't even lift myself up enough to do it myself. But Im noticing that the weakness is becoming less intense as before (at least I could keep my head up. This morning i couldn't even do that). But life is being a total ass to me. Why?!?!??
 
im back from my doctor's appointment. It went fairly well. She listened to my heartbeat, checked how my breathing was, etc. She had me explain to her what was going on. I told her that I couldn't eat or drink anything. (lost 6 pounds in three days because of not being able to eat). What shocked me a little bit was when she said that the breathing treatment and the inhaler is what was causing that. ): I didn't even know that was possible but I guess you learn something new everyday. Anyways, my mom bought me a vaporizer (im stuck in this room until she says I can get out DX). It just helps me breathe better I guess.
 
Alright well I gotta write down an extremely terrifying thing that happened a few minutes ago (not that terrifying since i just calmed myself down and thought about it for a moment). Well lets just get started by the backstory first (it makes sense that way). Well about a year ago, I joined this site after a previous one became blocked by the CUSD system. Personally the site sucked anyways. Users just wanted smut filled stuff and nobody really looked for a an actual roleplay. A 13 year old like me doesn't want a smut only roleplay so i decided to come on here. Fortunately, you all actually had some roleplays worth staying in! and frankly they are a lot more unique and well thought out.

so i signed up on here and i roleplayed on here for a while. problem was i was a rebel and i didn't ask for adult permission. and frankly i don't think its necessary. you don't allow erotic content (which is a common reason why parents won't let their child on a roleplay site. so there should be no problem since its banned here). and if you ever did find something you give out some warnings. this site is a legit one! so i see no problem. i signed up anyways and my stepdad didn't like that. he didn't like the idea of me interacting with people online. my mom didn't care because she knew that i was a responsible person who wouldn't get into trouble (she's not wrong. i haven't done anything bad at all). but he makes a whole big deal about me being on here. so long story short, he told me to stop coming on here.

Guess what? I did anyways. and i think i made a good decision. Before coming on here, my grades in writing were horrible. im talking like a c-f range. I could never seem to get a good grade on a writing assignment. but when i came on here, my writing improved greatly! even teachers started noticing it. i haven't gotten anything lower than an A on every writing assignment since then. Im gonna take the time to thank you for that rpn. thank you for helping me with my writing. anyways back on topic.

I logged onto rpnation and something horrible happened. my entire computer froze...on this screen! I immediately panicked. I knew i would be in huge trouble if i got caught being on here. and unfortunately, i got caught lol. my stepdad told me that i WOULD NOT come on here ever again. but my mom just gave me that look like "are you doing anything bad on that site?". i said no! i even showed my mom everything i do on here. from my coding thread, to my roleplays and she had no problem with it. she basically shrugged the entire thing off and went back to cooking.

but my stepdad is still making a big deal about it. he's trying to get me in trouble (even as i type right now)

"why are you letting her on that site?"
"what if she's doing something stupid?"
"she won't go on that stupid site ever again"
"she should have asked before she signed up".

and my mom is basically telling him to be quiet. i can hear her yelling "relax for gods sakes! nothing is bad about that site! I seen everything she's doing! and its not bad". I even explained to her about my improvement in writing and she praised me being on here!

and my stepdad is still going ballistic over it lol. i can't help but laugh. if my mom doesn't care that im on here, why should i? he can't tell me what to do. he's not my father. so im gonna stay on here. he can fuck off.

rpnation is mine! no one can take this site away from me. but yeah i just wanted to tell you all what had happened and why i disappeared for like 40 minutes. till next time!
 
Try to focus on the positives in your life. Focusing on negative aspects will only depress you. Write about good things here and you'll feel a lot better.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I experienced these same set of emotions when I was your age. I grew out of them shortly after and started caring more for things that matter.

One more piece of advice I have for you is this: Some people never change. It's unfortunate, but that's just how it is. Some people like making your life difficult. They have their own issues and don't realize the impact of their behavior. They have a lot of growing up to do themselves.

It sounds like your stepfather is projecting his childhood. Maybe he had an overbearing father and doesn't know how else to be a parent. Try to be sympathetic and understanding of other people's baggage, and you'll be a lot less frustrated.

Good luck, kiddo.
 
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Oh, and I do have a suggestion for improving the relationship you have with your stepfather. It's worth a shot.

You should sit down with him and ask him about his history. People love talking about themselves, for the most part. If you can make yourself seem genuinely interested in his life, he should be more open to having you in it.

Also, try spending time with him. Suggest a family outing if possible.

He may be cold, but he's only human at the end of the day. Try to establish peace in your household.
 
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Thanks for the advice. You're right about that though. I know a lot about my stepfather already and he doesn't have a good background. I would tell you about it, but I don't think its my business to tell. Just understand, that I do sympathize with him sometimes. But he's a hot headed person who doesn't like talking about his feelings.

But I guess, spending a bit of time with him is worth a shot. I don't exactly hate him as much as I used to and im willing to try and build a bond with him.
 
Thanks for the advice. You're right about that though. I know a lot about my stepfather already and he doesn't have a good background. I would tell you about it, but I don't think its my business to tell. Just understand, that I do sympathize with him sometimes. But he's a hot headed person who doesn't like talking about his feelings.

But I guess, spending a bit of time with him is worth a shot. I don't exactly hate him as much as I used to and im willing to try and build a bond with him.

You'll never know until you try it out! And hey, if it doesn't work out with him, you can at least assure yourself that you did your best and move on. He'll come around one day, maybe when you're living on your own.

I used to have an awful relationship with my dysfunctional family, but it all changed after I moved out of the house. Now we can actually talk to each other in a calm manner.
 
That is it. I cannot deal with my stepdad anymore. He's just too much.

Today after school we were talking about the graduation ceremony coming in a few months. I was telling him that I didn't want to go to the dance afterwards but if I chose not to go, I wouldn't be able to see my friends for a long time. And then he automatically changes the subject to the time I was sick. Before I get into this, I want to describe to you all how sick I was. If I do that then you'll realize how fucking ridiculous my stepdad really is. On Thursday, I woke up and I had trouble breathing. I had to go to the hospital and get checked out. The nurse says that I did have a problem with my lungs (can't really explain it because I don't really understand myself. Something about them taking a while to deflate? I don't know but something was wrong there). She decides just to give me a breathing treatment and then I was given an inhaler.

After that, i did notice that I did started breathing so much better. But then it seemed to get worse. When I got home I started feeling really weak. I couldn't stand up without leaning backwards or side to side. Even when I sat down the weak feeling was just getting worse and worse. It got to the point where I could barely keep my head up. I didn't think much about it though so I just laid down. My mom did the usual thing that parents do. Take your temperature, put a wet towel on your forehead, all that stuff. And then my temperature skyrocketed. it went from 98 degrees to about 107 degrees in about 10 minutes. I stopped eating and drinking for a little more than a week because i could never hold anything down. Breathing was hard for me and I couldn't walk a lot. I had to go to the hospital for an appointment (me and my mom went to the abandoned side by accident. if you wanna know what happened just comment below after the story. It was scary as hell). I had to get my heartbeat monitored and the nurse said that my heart beat would go really fast and then slow. I was so close to having to do labs (blood work) because I wasn't eating. Good thing I started eating. Perfectly fine now. Back to the stepdad stuff.

He basically said that my entire sickness was an act. I was just making myself sick so I can get skinny. -.-

Yes jr (thats his name). I faked the breathing problems. Faked that skyrocketing temperature. Faked the fast heart beat. Faked the not being able to eat or drink anything. Faked the pale look in my skin. Faked all that coughing and blood coming out of my mouth. Faked the weak sensations. Did all of that myself. All to look good for other people. All of that was done so I can be skinny.

Now do you really think I would starve myself just to do that? i know im insecure about the way i look and all, but i would never do that. Especially go through days watching you eat my favorite food right in front of me!

I hate this guy so much. I lost all respect for him. Im done.
 
If your relation with your step-dad isn't working,I would advise you to ignore him.Also don't focus on your negative side of your life.Try to focus on the positives that are going on your life.
 
Your step-dad sounds like a real douchebag. As many others have said before focus on the positives and don't let this shit wrapped in human skin grind you down anymore than he has.

How close are you to graduating high school? I say try and tough it out until you graduate then find a job somewhere and save up your money to move out from underneath him.

That's the best advice I can offer because I never had this problem with my folks. The concept of step parents is a rather foreign idea to me.
 
thanks for the advice guys.

and yes, my stepdad is a real douchebag. And im not in high school yet. Im graduating middle school. But ill try to find at least one positive thing in my life. might take a long time, but ill find it
 
I know from experience that it is hard to find the positives in life when your brain is telling you otherwise. As for your step father, he is a right old bastard (excuse the language). However sometimes they don't realise what they're doing. With my father, I literally overloaded everything about what I thought of him. That made him rethink everything. Maybe try that but only when your mum is around. Equally, if you need any help in breathing techniques for anxiety I can try and help! :)
 
sooooooo...i said something. And I immediately regretted it after I did it. My stepdad was trying to get me in trouble for no reason. Basically over food. I had a plate of food in the fridge and he basically swung the door open, causing it to drop on the floor. He blamed me for everything and made me clean it up. After that he would stop complaining about it and it got so annoying. This is what he told me. "We need to talk about you using some common sense."

I was basically tired of him that day. I had a long day at school and I was starving. Especially since it was hot, i was very irritated. So my response was. "Once you get that stick out of your a** then we can talk." I got in trouble lol. Lots and lots of trouble.
 
Get a hobby or something. Take up gaming, photography, anything to get out of the house. Find purpose. Believe in Jesus or Mohammed or flying spaghetti monsters, or whatever floats your boat. I'm going to sound like an asswhipe, and please, I don't mean to offend, but feeling sorry for yourself won't get you anywhere. It hasn't gotten me anywhere. Read. Write. Do something to drift away from the world for just a brief moment. I've never had a problem with my folks, it was mostly school environments that got me down over the years.

This song is my anthem. It should be yours too.
 
im just going to list the current stuff that happened since im too lazy to go into detail.

-im promoting to high school. Woohoo. so excited (not really). Im not ready for high school honestly. Just give me a few more years in middle school and i might be ready. Im going to wear my dress (gross) D: . Going to the dance afterwards with my friends since there will be nothing else to do

-I was going to visit my 4th grade teacher but I figured out that on Friday she had died...OVER SIX MONTHS AGO! D: I was sad honestly, she helped me through a lot

-My birthday is coming up on May 20! :D Im going to be 15 years old (yes im a young child). At least I get to spend it with my rpnation buddies

-me and my stepdad haven't been fighting a lot. Occasionally arguments will start but they aren't bad. And he is starting to act nicer and apologize more when he hurts me which is good. I think we are improving but I don't wanna jinxs anything.

-oh and, unfortunately im leaving rpnation of the 22nd. probably won't be coming back. who knows
 
when i looked at the random media, i found this. Just barely! and its about to be a year old. ;-; I feel so bad for not seeing this sooner. I think she made this for me when it was my birthday (may 20 if you guys are curious)
happy_birthday_orochimaru_sama_by_artemis_girl-d4dvwn9.png
I know its a little (okay A LOT) late, but thank you Kat for this (won't let me tag for some reason). Looks awesome : )
 

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