Our Secrets ((GxG))

(( I know!! It's so lame xD I have no younger siblings soooo that's out of the question. And I feel too old to go and trick or treat, too young to party >< Such an odd age. ))


I understood what she meant after a moment or two of thought and followed after Mir when she stepped behind the curtain. How many times had this position been reversed? When I had been too drunk, too stoned to dress myself? There were vague memories of Mir stripping me down to my underwear and dragging me into a cold shower, or things of the like...but nothing when I was fully aware. After just looking at her for a moment, I finally brought myself to help her undress. I took the coat first, setting it on the chair that was just outside of the curtains, then her shirt, pants, bra and underwear. In that moment of her being fully undressed in the harsh medicinal lights of the room, she had never been more beautiful. Even in all of her fear, emptiness, cuts, bruises, and marks that were and weren't made by me...she took my breath away.


Unconsciously I allowed the fear I felt to slip on my face- of what was to come, of being here, of my already road to relapsing- and a few tears slipped down my face. "I love you, Miranda Carson. Forever and always...." I whispered, gently cupping her cheek. I placed a soft, but emotion-filled kiss on her lips before helping her into the gown. Grabbing the hair tie from around my wrist, I helped pull her hair into a makeshift bun, before taking her hand. "You ready to go back out...?"

((Haha, same here. x3


If I were able to hang out with friends, we were wanting to go trick or treating just for the heck of it. Or dress up and go to Walmart or something, but sadly that isn't happening. x3))


My eyes teared up after Teag's kiss and I can't help myself as I fall against her, sobbing onto her shoulder. "I love you too..." I don't even comprehend her words when she asks if I'm ready to go back out as I just holder her tighter. "I'm.. So sorry... For all of this..." I whimper, moving to look at my girlfriend though I still cling to her desperately. "It's all my fault.. Y-You shouldn't have to be here, Teag... It's not your fault, or... I know you don't like hospitals, I'm so sorry.."


I can tell that the women in the main part of the room can hear us as Rosaline explains to the doctor that Teag and I are dating, and that I'm recently prone to random attacks since this happened to me... I hear the doctor state her understanding and Lori apologize on my behalf.


((Sorry, kinda brain dead at the moment x.x))

(( That sounds fun! I have no friends sooooo xD And you're fine ))


I shook my head some to her comments, brushing at her hair gently with my hand. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything to bring this onto yourself and I'm here of my own free will. It's not just cause you want me here, I'm here because I want to be here for you..." I shushed, kissing her head. Gently, I pushed her away from me, brushing at her tears until her crying subsided to some sniffles. "Let's get this over with..." I smoothed a hand through my own hair, wrangling myself back into strong girlfriend mode. Once I felt secure in my mask, I led Mir back out to the bed, which I then helped her on.


"If you are ready to precede then...?" Dr. Callahan asked once Mir was settled down. When Mir made no move to reply, I nodded for her, giving her hand a light squeeze. "Alright...I suppose we'll start with just the physical then." Standing up, the woman stepped up to us, grabbing a blood pressure cuff from where it hung on the wall. It was slid onto Mir's arm and hummed as it started to inflate with air. While this happened, the doctor took Mir's temperature, then the blood pressure, writing all of this down on her clipboard. "All good there...I'm going to go ahead and check your ears and mouth, then your breathing..."

((I've only got one friend who ever hangs out with me.. But I don't get to see her often since she lives 2 hours away. x3 But you can always just dress up and go around being whispered about at walmart? x'D It's terrifying but fun all at the same time..))


It feels like everything that happens just goes along without my even being there. My crying has stopped by this point, but I don't feel totally there. Like those last tears were the last bit of, well... Me. I glance over at Teag and squeeze her hand, feeling my eyes tear up again but I don't feel particularly sad or in pain. I then turn back to the doctor and tilt my head a bit to the side before nodding. "Do.. Whatever you need to..." I swallow hard, watching her hands closely.


It's strangely terrifying to actually know what she's doing... To know that she's checking to make sure I'm not going to die after being taken advantage of by a stranger. She's going to tell me if I'm pregnant with a baby that my girlfriend could never love. A baby that I may despise as well...


No. I can't think that way. If I'm pregnant, I will love the baby. Even if it's come from a horrible event and is the child of a monster, it is also my child. They will never know their father, and will only know my love. Hopefully Teag's as well. And yet, I still find myself hoping beyond hope that I'm not pregnant. I just know it would make everything more difficult...

(( I could always do that xD Normally I'm just a cat but for some reason this dance I went to I decided to be some like...a dressy vampire. It was weird >> Do you change your costume up or are you the same thing over and over again??))


I watched as the doctor went about this, Lori and Rosaline idly chatting in soft voices. I could see a vacant look in Mir's eyes that had I had very little care for, one I had seen on my own face god knew how many times. My hand briefly slide over her tummy, resting there. What if she kept the baby? Could I honestly get over that it wasn't a part of us? Learn to love it? A sigh left me and I hunkered down for the rest of the exam. The doctor peered into Mir's ears, humming to herself, and then grabbed a Popsicle stick. "Go ahead and say 'Ah', hun," She murmured. When Mir opened her mouth, the woman pressed the tongue depressor against Mir's tongue and then peered into the cavity.


"All looks normal in those areas... I'm going to check your breathing." Dr. Callaghan put her stethoscope into her ears, rubbing the metal end between her hands to warm it some, then paused. "Would you rather Teagan hold the end?" She knew it was uncomfortable in general, but after her experience...

((When I was younger I was always a witch because it was the only costume I had. Then we stopped doing Halloween for awhile, and last year I pieced together a broken doll costume with stuff from Goodwill, Walmart, Amazon, stuff like that. x'D Two of my friends and I dressed up and went to the movies like that, though... It was like a week after Halloween. ))


During the parts of the exam where the doctor had herself close to me I couldn't help but whimper a time or two or flinch back. I tried to be calm, though.. I really did. But Teag seeming to contemplate my possible pregnancy didn't really help, her hand on my stomach making me more and more aware that she may leave me in a maximum of nine months... And I don't know how I'd handle that, really.


However, when it got to the part of the doctor about to use the stethoscope, which would be right on my chest, my breath had caught in my throat and again tears filled my eyes. Though, when she offers for Teag to hold it my breathing starts normalizing once more and I nod vigorously, "P-Please.." I look to my girlfriend, wanting to make sure she'd even be okay with doing that. "If... If you could..?" I know the doctor wouldn't do anything... I know that. She's professional, but... The fear is still there, irrational as it may be.

(( Nice xD My friends and I once did this puppet, candy skull thing together, which was pretty cool :3 ))


I took the stethoscope from Dr. Callaghan, chewing at my lip some. I continued to at the end in hopes of warming it up for Mir, knowing how horribly cold they could be especially in such sensitive areas. "Alright... So I'm going to show you on myself where to put it while I listen, all you have to do Miranda is breath." I nodded and waited till Mir seemed ready enough, then gently tucked the scope under the neck of her gown. Glancing at the doctor, I watched as she gestured to either side just above Mir's chest and mirrored the actions when she gave the go ahead. After a few moments, she motioned to move to the lower ribcage and I followed suit.


Another short while passed before Dr. Callaghan had me move to Mir's back and touched my own where I should place the scope. I listened to Mir breathing, glancing every so often between her and the doctor, hoping she was hearing good things. Finally, Dr. Callaghan had me return the instrument to her and she smiled some. "All is good there," She informed us all, making more notes on her chart.

((That sounds awesome! owo ))


I start shivering after the cool metal is removed, as I'm sure I know what's next. "What.." I close my eyes, my breathing picking up again and feeling as if it would suffocate me. "What's next..?" My knees knock awkwardly together, not wanting to open up for that exam.


I look over at Teag, trembling slightly as I reach out and take her hand, attempting to calm myself down. My eyes still have the slightly hazy look to them, and I can feel my chest ready to cave in. I just want to leave... I don't want to do any of this, I don't want to be here at all... I wish the doctor would turn her back, then Teag and I could just run away. That is, if it weren't for the two police officers right next to us who have temporary custody over me.. I doubt they'd let it hapen.

(( Yeah It was pretty cool! I'd dress up at home if there were a lot of kids in my complex xD We only got like five trick or treaters last year >> ))


I squeezed Mir's hand, rubbing it gently, as we all looked to the doctor. "Well, now I have to just get a look at your skin. We won't be starting the actual exam yet, but I will be looking at your thighs, stomach, legs, arms....If you want the two officers to leave, go ahead and give them the word now." Lori didn't give Mir much of a chance, smiling softly at her. "We'll head out. I think Rosaline and I are a little peckish, we wont be too long, okay?" The two women got up, Lori gently patting Mir's knee, before exiting the room. I swallowed some, watching them leave, shifting uncomfortably.


"Do you want me to go with them, Mir?" I asked softly, smoothing some of her hair back from her face. I wasn't sure if she wanted me here for the actual exam either, really. I chewed at my lip, glancing between the doctor and Mir for a second while I waited for her answer.

((Oh jeez ;w;


We don't get any trick or treaters around here at all.. Never have. x3))


I give Rosaline and Lori a thankful smile as they leave, but when Teag offers to go my eyes go wide and I shake my head vigorously, "Please.. Don't leave me..." My voice is barely above a whisper, and I'm whimpering horribly. "Please... I can't do this without you..." I honestly don't know what I would've done had she gone when I told her to... Because what I just said is the 100% truth. I would not be able to do this without my girlfriend. She's my strength right now, even though that's incredibly selfish...


I look to the doctor, "She.. can stay, right..? I don't.. I can't be alone for this... I already know about a lot of the s-stuff down there, and it hurts... I need her, please don't make her go..." I look to Teag again, "Please don't go..." I repeat again, hoping that the repetition of my plead would make them take it seriously, and make it so that she could stay, and would want to.

(( oh wow xD That sucks? My old house we use to get a good amount but I guess all the little kids go somewhere else xD ))


I nodded and squeezed Mir's hand. "I wont leave you," I promised, kissing the back of it. Dr. Callaghan nodded in understanding. "Of course she can stay. It'll make things easier for the both of us." I managed a slight smile and moved my hand to Mir's leg again when the doctor gently took ahold of Mir's arms. She scanned Mir's skin for bruising, there being a lot of it in all honesty, gently rubbing a hand over her arms to make sure there were no questionable bumps. Her attention then moved to Mir's legs and back, going throughout the same procedure. Once she felt that this was all clear, the doctor had Mir lay down.


"Okay, this is going to be the...not so fun part," Dr. Callaghan warned, gently lifting the gown so she could look at Mir's stomach and thighs. A frown came across her lips and she looked to me. "There's some fresh bruising here..." I rubbed at the back of my neck, swallowing some. "Uhm...yeah...That was me." The doctor smiled some, giving a slight nod before moving on. After a few more moments she pulled back, grabbing her chart once more. "Well, all is good- or at least expected. I think we'll move onto the ultrasound now?"

((Aah, I understand. 'w' A few years back my grandmother had a bunch of trick or treaters, but there were no young kids. I'd guess the youngest to have been like 7-8 x'D I think parents are just really weary for babies and young children, because of all the creeps there can be..))


While the doctor was looking at my skin without really moving the gown I was alright. I didn't really like it, but I could deal with it. However, when she lifted the gown and started running her hands along my thighs to check for bumps or especially sensitive areas, I tightened my grip on Teag's hand and started trembling horribly. I'd actually pulled my girlfriend closer, burying my face against her hand as tears poured down my face. Even though the doctor's touch was gentle, and necessary, it still terrified me...


"Can I..." I take in a few deep breaths, unable to look at the woman, "Have a... A few minutes..?" It was hard to even choke the words out, as all I wanted to do was curl up and sob my eyes out. "Please..." I couldn't handle another test right now... Not after all that. In my mind her touch had begun turning into his, and began painfully burning my skin. And through my closed eyes all I could see were his eyes, alight with passion and cruelty. I cling to Teag even more desperately, unwilling to give her up. She's the only thing keeping me sane right now, keeping me from running away... I just want to leave all of this. And if it weren't for Teag, I'm sure the day I cut my wrist, I would've killed myself.

(( Oooh. And true >< It's awful how things have changed, even since I was little >> ))


The doctor nodded once again at Mir's request, sitting back down so she could go over her notes, adding a few things here and there. "Hey, you're okay," I murmured, sitting on the edge of the bed when Dr. Callaghan had moved. My free hand stroked her hair and I chewed at my lip as I looked around the room. I didn't even want to think about how badly she'd react to the exam, they'd probably have to give her something to help calm her down. Wiping at Mir's tears, I continued to gently smooth at her hair, murmuring soft words to help calm her.


"Just let me know when you're ready, okay?" The doctor said, giving an sympathetic smile before returning her gaze to the clip board. I nodded some, though she wasn't looking, wondering how we were going to get through all of these tests.

((I know.. When I was younger, my parents never even let me go house to house... We had this trick or treat thing through the churches that we'd go through, but that's it. >.>))


When Teag sits down next to me I practically crawl into her lap, still sobbing my eyes out as I cling desperately to her and hide my face against her shoulder. "I'm sorry..." I mumble, knowing that I was just making this more difficult on the doctor, and on Teag, but I couldn't help it. I just wanted all the tests over with... I wish I could've just done one after another after another and had them all finished at once, but the panic is too much there... I'm not strong enough to get through this the way I want to, and I hate that more than anything at the moment.


It takes probably five or ten minutes before I'm finally calmed down enough to pull myself away from Teag. I reach up to wipe my eyes though I'm still crying, so it doesn't do much. I slowly bring myself to lay down again, taking deep breaths to maybe calm myself a little more. "O-Okay... I'm ready, and..I'm sorry..." I apologize to the doctor, my body trembling as I close my eyes and try to go to some sort of 'happy place'. "A-And.. Uh, Rosaline and Lori can come back in now... If they want..."

(( Awe >< I could only go door to door in my neighborhood and that was it >< Stupid creepy people ruining things xD ))


I held Mir as she cried, still soothing her, not really thinking of anything as I did so. I just wanted to get this done and over with so I could go pass out and sleep for a million years. To forget about all that was happening...just for a little while. If I let myself, I knew I'd be able to sleep most, if not the rest of the day. Back before, I use to sleep almost all day, just getting out of bed to use the bathroom and maybe get something to drink. I definitely wouldn't mind doing that again for a little while...I looked at Mir when she pulled away, helping to brush at her tears some while the doctor gently brushed off her apology.


Dr. Callaghan stood, opening the door to peer out. A slight smile crossed her lips and she beckoned, pulling Lori and Rosaline back into the room. They took their previous seats and I moved back to sitting beside the bed so the doctor could access Mir better. "Alright... Let's get down to business I suppose." She murmured, pulling the ultrasound machine over.

((They need to just stop. x3))


I smile faintly over at Rosaline and Lori as they come in, hoping that they wouldn't be able to tell I was crying... But by the simple fact I can still feel a few tears falling down my cheeks, I know that's one thing that's useless to hope.


In all honesty, I probably would be more comfortable with the two older women out of the room... Just because I know my stomach has to be exposed, but... If I am pregnant, they're going to be the ones taking care of me through it... So they kinda deserve to be there. "I'm ready." I say, taking in a deep breath and squeezing Teag's hand.

(( Soooo, I've never had an ultrasound or a vaginal exam so I have no idea what goes about it, erhmmm >> ))

((No problem. x3 For an external ultrasound they expose your stomach and squirt this jell on your skin to help it move easier. They then put a plastic cover over the camera-ish-device thing (sanitary reasons) and start moving it around the area they need to get images of. Sometimes they have to push, sometimes they don't.


For a transvaginal ultrasound, the use a long,slender version of the camera-ish-device and once more put one of the plastic covers on it, and put a different, but similar sort of jell on the tip and it actually goes into the vagina, to get internal pictures of the vagina, uterus, ovaries, etc.


As for a vaginal exam- I've never actually had one, so I don't know exactly what goes into it, but if I remember correctly from past research(I had to research so many things for that freaking book ;w; ) it involves taking swabs of vaginal fluid to test the natural PH and make sure it's in a healthy range, and to make sure there's no suspicious bumps, bruising, etc. to indicate STDs, STIs, or other external damage.))

(( Hmmm, okay xD Yay for education!))


Dr. Callaghan started to prep the equipment, humming softly under her breath. "Okay...I'm going to have to put this jelly on your lower stomach," She informed Mir, gently lifting the gown up around her waist once everything was ready. "It's going to be fairly cold, just so you're warned." She squirted the jelly on to Mir's lower stomach, gently smearing it around there. As she did so a picture of her uterus came up on the small screen next to her. Her lips pursed some as she looked at the picture, all of us were looking at it but at what we weren't sure.


"Well...I don't see anything yet. It's too early to tell if you're pregnant. But, I see no damage either, so that's good," She informed all of us, smiling some. "I'd suggest for you to do at home pregnancy tests in between visits...and then we can confirm with the ultrasounds."


((Sorry, brain dead >< ))

((Nah, you're totally fine... I've been brain dead the past several weeks. ;w; ))


I wince at the jell and the fact my stomach was exposed. I refused to look... I know the man had left several bruises and hickies there,and even with the marks Teag left... I can't stand seeing them. When the picture came up on the screen I almost started crying in fear of seeing a baby there, but then some of my stress is melted away when she says there's no evidence of pregnancy... Yet. That's what scares me the most... "C-Can I put the gown down, now..?" I ask, the tears still in my eyes but I've decided to force myself to get through the rest of this without breaking down again, or needing any breaks.


I'm stronger than what I've been acting like... And even if I end up going back to Teag's house and passing out from all the crying I'll do, it's better than prolonging this any further.

((Wewtttt, passed out again >> ))


"Of course," Dr Callaghan said, grabbing a paper towel and handing it to Mir if she wanted to why the jelly off. Taking the small cap off the end, she threw it away and began to put that part of the machine away. God...the relief I had felt when there had been no sign. How long till we would start seeing signs if she was though? I squeezed Mir's hand, once again kissing the back of it. The two cops looked mildly relieved with the announcement, giving Mir identical smiles of said emotion. Was it going to be like this every time we went to get an ultrasound- at least, until a pregnancy was either confirmed or denied? I wasn't sure if I could stand that kind of dreadful suspense....


"Now, I'm going to have to do the trans-vaginal exam...It will be sort of like the ultrasound, but it will be with a wand-like device instead. This is actually going to be inserted into the vagina... Would you like for anyone to leave before I start or?" Dr. Callaghan asked as she started to set up the next, odd instrument.

(( xD Whelp, hope you slept well~ -w-))


My eyes go wide and my breathing starts to pick up again as I see the device for the transvaginal ultrasound. I squeeze Teag's hand tightly and shake my head. "Whoever wants to... I-I don't care..." I squeeze my eyes shut and try to calm myself down. I really didn't care who was here right now... I just wanted this to get over and done with. But I know that just as soon as I feel it in me, I'll start freaking out. I just hope it isn't that bad..


"Is it.. Gonna hurt?" I still don't open my eyes as I whimper out the question, holding Teag's hand even tighter. Even though nothing has touched me yet I can just imagine what it'll feel like. Though... The only comparitive thing in my mind is what the man did, and if it's anything like that... Yeah, there's no way I'll be getting through this test.

(( Mmm, kinda xD What have you been up to today??))


The two women looked at each other, contemplating, before getting up. "We'll just wait outside of the room," Lori announced, before leading Rosaline out of the room. They shut the door behind them and Dr.Callaghan turned to answer Mir's question. "It will be uncomfortable, and hurt a little, but nothing horrible," She offered, giving a slight smile. "Considering you're sexually active, it's a little better, but with the attack things down there are probably fairly tender.." As she spoke, the doctor started to rub the jelly along the shaft of the wand. "I'm going to have you put your feet up in those stirrups, alright?" I got up, deciding to help Mir with it considering she was probably already trying really hard not to freak out.


Gently, I picked one foot up after the other, guiding it into the little cuffed hoops. Before returning to my seat, I gave her foot a little squeeze of encouragement, then sat back down in my original spot; then took Mir's hand once more. Once Dr. Callaghan had everything ready, she positioned herself between Mir's raised feet. An odd sensation of annoyance and jealousy- though both irrational- of seeing another woman between Mir's legs came over me, but I managed to swallow it. "Okay...I'm going to go fairly slow and try and ease you into it. If it starts hurting too bad, let me know and we can stop advancing for a second or two." With that, the woman's hands, and the wand-like object, disappeared under the gown.

((I cleaned a bunch, rearranged my room... That's about it. x'D How about you?))


My whimpering starts the moment Teag helps with putting my feet up in the stirrups. I can't do this... I really, really can't... But I have to. The moment my girlfriend is back at my side I desperately move to cling to her. Once more I tightly clench my eyes shut, my entire body trembling. "Okay..." I whimper to the doctor telling me to let her know if it gets too bad, and then clench my teeth together.


I won't.. I can't. I just... Need to get this over with, then the sooner that's done, the sooner Teag and I can go back home. But the moment I feel the wand start to enter me I can't stop the terrified scream that escapes my lips, and the continuous tears that fall down my face. "Stop..." I whimper, images flashing behind my eyes of the man, "Please stop!" I open my eyes, trying to pull my legs together to make her move the device but I'm too weak, my body too shaky, I don't have very good control over it. "I can't do this! Please!" I start sobbing loudly, desperately trying to make it stop. It hurt, it scared me, it brought back all the memories in flashes... I can't do this, I was right... I really, really can't.

(( That sounds fun xD And really not a whole lot >> Went to school for a bit, tried to do some errands with my dad that ultimately didn't work out, slept, went to the gym >> ))


I winced when Mir screamed, clenching her hand some and tried to sooth her. The doctor blinked some, even starting a little, and stopped moving forward at least. She looked like she was contemplating on whether or not to go ahead with it, or wait. It was necessary to do...but maybe it could wait. "You will have to do it sooner or later," She advised softly and gently pulled the wand out. Removing the covering that was around the wand, she threw that away as well too and started to put the machine away. I sat on the edge of the bed, pulling Mir's head into my lap so she could hide her face against my stomach. From beyond the door I could hear the worried voices of Lori and Rosaline, knowing they were wondering if they should come in or not.


Once the machine was put away, the doctor turned back to Mir and I, chewing at her lip some. "Well...we definitely need to do the vaginal exam.... There's no way around it. It won't be as unpleasant as the trans-vaginal was... but," She shrugged some, a soft frown on her lips. "I'll give you a few minutes to recuperate.."