Long Car Rides
Other People: Oh this is soooo boring!
Me, a maladapted daydreamer: Oh, this is a blessing. Let me just listen to my music and stare out my window while my mind slips into my alternate reality.
How did "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" become the typical sentence that contains all the letters of the alphabet and not "sphynx of black quartz, judge my vow" which is a million times cooler?
Here is a tip:
Carry a fork with you at all times. If someone tries to rob you, take out the fork and say, "Dear Lord, thank you for this meal that I'm about to eat!" Then charge after the person and try to stab them with the fork while licking your lips.
The three stages of a cat yawn:
Stage 1: Cute tiny 'O' mouth
Stage 2: Stick the tongue out real far
Stage 3: Entire face splits open like a Lovecraftian horror, revealing an endless pit of teeth and pain
Me: Who's dog are you?
Dog: I'M YOUR DOG! YES, I'M YOUR DOG! <TWIRL TWIRL WAG TAIL OVER AND OVER>
Me: Who's cat are you?
Cat: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON'T TOUCH MY STOMACH, HUMAN!