I'm sorry if I haven't offended you yet. I'm quite busy, please wait for me.
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Entered what I ate today into a new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
Fun Fact: If you start smacking people with your girlfriend's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call them back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.
The recommended age to use a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So basically, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time just in case their shopping instinct kick in.
Hey Punkin!! I was wondering if you'd wanna do a 1x1 sometime? Whenever you come back...
Your profile pic is creepy but awesome! Silent hill for the win bitches!
So I just got a bloody nose from dropping my phone on my face. Good times.
I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been her customer for 5 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something, you're still getting something impressive. -
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