Other Consideration PSA

[MalumMalice_]

Before we begin, I'd like to say this isn't me posting this out of malice, but maybe in hopes that people might catch on to other's feelings! Have a nice day!)

Hello, you wonderful, wonderful people of the Internet. Indigo here, your neighborhood sappy kitten! I'm here today to discuss a bit of a problem that we see here on RP Nation, and probably many other websites for role play as well- and that is CONSIDERATION! We've all had that one plot that we were thoroughly enjoying, and suddenly, our partner just vanished- can anyone relate? I'm sure most of you can.

You see, this is a big problem I've been having lately. People have not been able to commit. In the beginning, your partner seems to be fully interested and invested in whatever you two are sharing- it's a great feeling, isn't it? Having someone to put your imagination to the test, and be yourself (or an original character you created from the figment of your dusty crusty minds). Anywho, you guys put a lot of effort into your character sheets, you create looooong, creative starters, and it starts to go really well! Your characters meet, you develop, etc.

But...suddenly, they stop replying. Of course, people get busy, I of all people understand that- all I ask is for you to let me know if you're gonna be gone for a few days, or for however long you need. Hell, I'll even be happy with a "hey there, I can no longer continue this plot, I'm sorry!" for any number of reasons.

That's where the inconsideration begins. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, this website is not that important, trust me, I get it. HOWEVER- if you just keep ignoring me for whatever reason after an odd amount of time without saying anything, I consider you having wasted my time. Wasted the time and effort that I took out of my busy schedule to write up these detailed character sheets, discuss plot details, and ultimately write the thing. THEN, when I see that someone has left the conversation without saying anything, that's just an extremely disrespectful slap in the face.

So, moral of this little story is, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be considerate!! It's not hard to tell someone you're no longer interested!!! Hell, even if you don't like where things are headed in the beginning, just tell me!

If you've read this far, I apologize if this hurts anyone's feelings. However, it needs to be said. Ya'll have a good night, ya hear?

 

[rae2nerdy]

I think it's a matter of anxiety and a little bit of immaturity. Now when I say that I don't mean like immature in the sense that someone is childish or obnoxious I mean immature in the sense that they might be young and just not know how to handle conflict gracefully.

Especially if this is compounded by any kind of insecurity or social anxiety.

As someone who used to struggle with social anxiety it was incredibly difficult for me to confront people on issues. Even something as simple as - Hey I'm not interested any more in Blah Blah. Or hey I need more time to post.

It seems like it might be a simple matter of courtesy but it might not be that simple for the other person. Especially since a lot of people on this site skew to a younger age group.

Now sure as I've gotten older and more comfortable communicating online ( and sort of grown past the worst of my anxiety ) I'm a lot more upfront. Even if I still might not say outright - Hey not feeling the story anymore. I'll at least let you know that I'm not going to be replying ( even if I tell a little white lie about why )

But again that's something that has come with several years of experience and a lot of work on my social anxiety issues.

And yeah I went through a period of time where it would frustrate me when people would just dip without letting me know. Because it is frustrating and can come across rude, no denying that.

But then I stopped and thought about what it was like for me as a youngster and I think it helped.

So now what I do is I give people a graceful out.

I let them know - Okay if you do not post in XX number of days I will consider that your way of saying that the roleplay is over. You don't have to actually say anything or have some kind of confrontation just don't reply and I'll assume you've moved on.

This does two things - It allows people who are maybe not comfortable being direct or starting a confrontation a easy way to walk away.

And it gives me a way to move on without wasting my time waiting around for replies. As I've told the person right from the start - hey if you don't reply in this span of time I'm going to move on without you.

Now of course I let people know that if something unforseen has come up ( hospital stays or some real life emergency ) than I'm totally cool with starting up again later. And certainly if at all possible I would prefer someone to let me know if something comes up. But I think having the time limit does help for the people who are just not up for being direct in that kind of scenario.

But I think that might be a good way to handle the issue until you find people that are more comfortable with being direct with you.

 

[StoneWolf18]

There are many factors at play here, seeing as we’ve all done it. Dropped a roleplay without saying a word.

First and foremost, emergencies come up. If I had a partner in the hospital or with family issues going on, I wouldn’t force them to post because that’s much more important. Going along with that, one has to understand that real life comes before roleplaying. I have shamelessly dropped partners when feeling swamped with class work and that isn’t something people should be afraid to do.

Next, you have the oddity of xF (xenForo’s) thread watching alert system. Not many people realize that if you don’t check on a thread each or every other log in, the site thinks you’re no longer interested and may or may not show alerts for it until you revisit it. So it’s more than likely that if you’re not using PMs or not tagging your partner in a thread when replying, they could’ve not seen it.

Then we have my final point, taking initiative. Sometimes people need a gentle poke as the confrontation and possibly of their partner getting made or upset is too much for them to cope with, so they try to simply back out quietly instead. So instead of waiting for your partner to come to you, why don’t you go to them. Start a casual conversation, “Hey, how’ve you’ve been?” Which progresses into “If you’re no longer interested I completely understand, just let me know!”

So, can it be that people are unreliable and flakey? As someone who has had many roleplays die after the first post, it can. But is everyone unreliable and inconsiderate? No.

TL; DR - Don’t be so quick to assume.

My lil’ two cents.

 

[rae2nerdy]

There are many factors at play here, seeing as we’ve all done it. Dropped a roleplay without saying a word.

First and foremost, emergencies come up. If I had a partner in the hospital or with family issues going on, I wouldn’t force them to post because that’s much more important. Going along with that, one has to understand that real life comes before roleplaying. I have shamelessly dropped partners when feeling swamped with class work and that isn’t something people should be afraid to do.

Next, you have the oddity of xF (xenForo’s) thread watching alert system. Not many people realize that if you don’t check on a thread each or every other log in, the site thinks you’re no longer interested and may or may not show alerts for it until you revisit it. So it’s more than likely that if you’re not using PMs or not tagging your partner in a thread when replying, they could’ve not seen it.

Then we have my final point, taking initiative. Sometimes people need a gentle poke as the confrontation and possibly of their partner getting made or upset is too much for them to cope with, so they try to simply back out quietly instead. So instead of waiting for your partner to come to you, why don’t you go to them. Start a casual conversation, “Hey, how’ve you’ve been?” Which progresses into “If you’re no longer interested I completely understand, just let me know!”

So, can it be that people are unreliable and flakey? As someone who has had many roleplays die after the first post, it can. But is everyone unreliable and inconsiderate? No.

TL; DR - Don’t be so quick to assume.

My lil’ two cents.

I actually didn’t know that about thread notifications so thanks for bringing it up.

 

[MalumMalice_]

I think it's a matter of anxiety and a little bit of immaturity. Now when I say that I don't mean like immature in the sense that someone is childish or obnoxious I mean immature in the sense that they might be young and just not know how to handle conflict gracefully.

Especially if this is compounded by any kind of insecurity or social anxiety.

As someone who used to struggle with social anxiety it was incredibly difficult for me to confront people on issues. Even something as simple as - Hey I'm not interested any more in Blah Blah. Or hey I need more time to post.

It seems like it might be a simple matter of courtesy but it might not be that simple for the other person. Especially since a lot of people on this site skew to a younger age group.

Now sure as I've gotten older and more comfortable communicating online ( and sort of grown past the worst of my anxiety ) I'm a lot more upfront. Even if I still might not say outright - Hey not feeling the story anymore. I'll at least let you know that I'm not going to be replying ( even if I tell a little white lie about why )

But again that's something that has come with several years of experience and a lot of work on my social anxiety issues.

And yeah I went through a period of time where it would frustrate me when people would just dip without letting me know. Because it is frustrating and can come across rude, no denying that.

But then I stopped and thought about what it was like for me as a youngster and I think it helped.

So now what I do is I give people a graceful out.

I let them know - Okay if you do not post in XX number of days I will consider that your way of saying that the roleplay is over. You don't have to actually say anything or have some kind of confrontation just don't reply and I'll assume you've moved on.

This does two things - It allows people who are maybe not comfortable being direct or starting a confrontation a easy way to walk away.

And it gives me a way to move on without wasting my time waiting around for replies. As I've told the person right from the start - hey if you don't reply in this span of time I'm going to move on without you.

Now of course I let people know that if something unforseen has come up ( hospital stays or some real life emergency ) than I'm totally cool with starting up again later. And certainly if at all possible I would prefer someone to let me know if something comes up. But I think having the time limit does help for the people who are just not up for being direct in that kind of scenario.

But I think that might be a good way to handle the issue until you find people that are more comfortable with being direct with you.

There are many factors at play here, seeing as we’ve all done it. Dropped a roleplay without saying a word.

First and foremost, emergencies come up. If I had a partner in the hospital or with family issues going on, I wouldn’t force them to post because that’s much more important. Going along with that, one has to understand that real life comes before roleplaying. I have shamelessly dropped partners when feeling swamped with class work and that isn’t something people should be afraid to do.

Next, you have the oddity of xF (xenForo’s) thread watching alert system. Not many people realize that if you don’t check on a thread each or every other log in, the site thinks you’re no longer interested and may or may not show alerts for it until you revisit it. So it’s more than likely that if you’re not using PMs or not tagging your partner in a thread when replying, they could’ve not seen it.

Then we have my final point, taking initiative. Sometimes people need a gentle poke as the confrontation and possibly of their partner getting made or upset is too much for them to cope with, so they try to simply back out quietly instead. So instead of waiting for your partner to come to you, why don’t you go to them. Start a casual conversation, “Hey, how’ve you’ve been?” Which progresses into “If you’re no longer interested I completely understand, just let me know!”

So, can it be that people are unreliable and flakey? As someone who has had many roleplays die after the first post, it can. But is everyone unreliable and inconsiderate? No.

TL; DR - Don’t be so quick to assume.

My lil’ two cents.

I understand both of your points of view, but it's really frustrating when I literally just get blocked or people exit the conversation after many many replies. And the majority of people I write with are 18+ for personal reasons, so I feel at that point they might just be inconsiderate. Obviously if it's an emergency I get it- but when people just block me for no reason I'm like ?????

 

[rae2nerdy]

I understand both of your points of view, but it's really frustrating when I literally just get blocked or people exit the conversation after many many replies. And the majority of people I write with are 18+ for personal reasons, so I feel at that point they might just be inconsiderate. Obviously if it's an emergency I get it- but when people just block me for no reason I'm like ?????

Well a thing to remember is that anxiety, insecurity, etc. do not really have age limits. For that matter people start roleplaying at different points in their lives and so also have different levels of experience that do not necessarily reflect their age.

For instance I started roleplaying at 18 and as I said above I had a lot of anxiety and fear of confrontation at that point. Both because I was naturally an anxious person and because I was just starting out and not really sure how everything worked.

Also how you precieve something might not necessarily be how the other person was intending it to be received. You might see someone leaving a conversation after several replies as rude whereas that person might see it as a way to avoid confrontation and "starting a fight/being rude"

That's why Stone's advice is so crucial. You need to inform people of what you consider to be rude behavior AND you need to do it in a way that isn't going to exacerbate their anxiety.

Because here's the thing. If the person is just doing something because they're rude and they don't care about your feelings. They are going to keep doing that regardless of what you have to say about it. Because they are rude and they don't care about your feelings.

Now if someone however is leaving because they lack the ability to handle conflict ( for whatever reason ) than the best way to deal with the issue is to minimize the feeling of fear associated with communicating with you.

And that usually is best done by reiterating ( several times ) that you don't mind if they want to leave you'd just appreciate a heads up. OR by giving them a specific deadline to work with so they can leave without directly confronting you.

Further if they do end up leaving - let it go.

The people who are rude won't care that you're upset. But the people who are just shy/insecure/etc. Will be much more likely to open up to you down the road if you're forgiving about things up front.

Unless the person started out being rude I find it best to always assume they're just shy the first time around and let it go.

If they do it several times than that's a bit more of an issue. As even if they're not intending to be rude they obviously have a personality that isn't compatible with your own.

 

[Hige]

I find it really annoying, but I've grown to just accept it. I had a person who I RP'd with for several months just drop the RP, which really dissapointed me because I had thought we were friends. They gave no notice or whatever.

It just happens. People are afraid of confrontation. On another RP site I had a man stalk and harass me for a few weeks because I refused to RP with him.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Hige in fairness that last bit seems to be like sort of the exact opposite of fear of confrontation. More aggressive neediness.

Which is certainly it's own problem and ties into a genuine lack of consideration for other people's feelings and wants.

In a way that's usually a lot more straightforward a situation, at least from my end.

I am like oh so you want to play the skeevy game? Awesome I'll report you. I don't know what I can conceivably report you for but I'm sure if I study the rules of the site I can figure it out.

But I was on another site where I'm in a discord chat attached to like a dog show sim game. There was some random stranger posting in the forum based portion of the game looking for one of the chat members ( we'll call her Jane ). Jane hadn't been on for awhile and the person didn't seem that bad at first so I think I might have posted something in the chat and moved on.

Only to have another member say - oh yeah that's Jane's ex boyfriend he likes to harass her by making new accounts and following her around the site.

So immediately I'm like okay so why don't you send me his name and I'll see if I can't report him. I mean I figured if nothing else I might be able to tag his posts for spam.

Only to have the whole chat piss me off something fierce. These grown adults were like - oh we shouldn't get involved it's not our business I don't want to cause a scene.

Like excuse you - someone specifically said this is a situation of harassment. Like literally they specifically stated this guy was trying to get around the site rules and harass Jane.

And it's all well we'll wait and let Jane deal with it. It was so disingenuous that it nearly made me leave the chat all together.

Like what kind of friends are you people that you're just going to sit back and let your friend get harassed and do nothing.

Especially since you're the ones who already said YOU KNOW IT'S HARASSMENT.

lol sorry just that harassment comment made me remember the situation and how pissed off I was. Especially since the people of the chat are like all in their thirties ( a few with CHILDREN ) and I'm like ya'll should know better.

Just no harassment is not okay. And advocating it in anyway is a crap thing to do.